by Diane Holmes

THE PHONE CALL

Jackie, our daughter, left for Botswana, Africa, on October 23rd, 2017, the day after her 55th birthday. The next news we got was a phone call from Barry, her husband, on November 15, asking that both Lyell and I be present and the phone on speaker. I sat with excitement, anxious to hear good news. But his phone message was devastating. Jackie had been killed tragically and suddenly by an elephant on November 14, in Botswana, as she and her group waited to continue on the horseback safari. We were speechless. I could not believe what I heard, and I did not want to believe the words Barry spoke, “Jackie had been killed tragically and suddenly the day before.” I was numb. My whole body felt lifeless. My heart sank. I burst into tears. No God, tell me this is not true! We sobbed, and on the other end of the phone, he did, too.

REACTION

I was devastated. I didn’t know where to turn. I just wanted to be left alone, to think about what Barry said, I wanted to cry, mourn and grieve in my solitude for a time and process everything in my mind. After several days of condolence messages and visits from family, friends, neighbors and Father Tim, our parish priest, it really began sinking in. Jackie was gone. We would never see her again. She was gone forever.

How I made it through the presentation I gave at Jackie’s Celebration of Life in California, I’ll never know. But I did without notes or breaking down. God must have been with me.

DEALING WITH GRIEVING

We came home to the emptiness and void we felt from the loss of Jackie. I remained restless, sad and didn’t know what I could do to get through this tragedy. Of course, I prayed to God and asked for His help.

When going over the list of food, books, donations and other items given to us by so many caring people, a book titled, Lament for a Son, given to us by our neighbor, caught my attention. The author’s son had been killed in a mountain climbing accident abroad. It was helpful to read another parent’s story, and I began thinking perhaps I could write something similar. I would try to do a little booklet honoring Jackie. It’d be for her husband, Barry, and sons, Benjamin and Daniel. As I thought more about doing this I felt some anxiety, stress and grief released from my body. I looked on this project as a way of helping me through my grieving process.

WRITING TO EASE SOME OF THE GRIEVING

I opened the file I kept on Jackie from birth and discovered interesting things I had forgotten.  Starting through the file, my grieving turned into different emotional stages. I cried at some things that were there and laughed at others. But I found a way to deal with my grief while the wound was so raw. I’d write Jackie’s Story, Through a Mother’s Eyes honoring her, and dedicate it to her husband and sons. I wanted to include for them things about Jackie they did not know. But personally, I grieved through my writing and wrote through my grieving.

When I found a copy of her birth certificate in the file, of course, tears filled my eyes. I sobbed. But writing truly helped me through the emptiness I felt in my heart. And I continued.

I amazed myself as I got into writing about Jackie; I remembered so much about her. I really got comfort in what I was doing.

Many of her report cards were in the file. Again, the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I saw school pictures of her when she started and through seventh and eighth grades. I noted the different hair styles from her school pictures when I helped her in the early grades to when she did her own hair later. Some brought smiles – almost laughing out loud. Others brought tears. More tears and sobbing, but I can only stress how all this helped in my grieving. My writing continued, but the tenseness of my grieving lessened somewhat. I reread several report cards from her high school days and realized again what a good student she was. I continued writing and finding happiness, feeling the closeness of Jackie.

Soon I realized I did a mini chronology of Jackie’s life, and it felt wonderful. Writing pulled me out of the deep, dark, sad state of mind I experienced of her loss. It brought me to a happier phase reliving the years I had with her. Writing about her relieved some of the hurt.

I found a news paper articles when she won an essay contest and a ribbon from the county fair for a picture she entered.  These lifted my spirits and brought back memories of happy days with her. 

Wedding pictures of Jackie and Barry brought back wonderful memories. Tears of happiness and sadness filled my eyes. But my grieving eased again.

Jackie loved animals. The love of animals is what took her to Botswana, Africa, volunteering in the baby elephant and rhino orphanages then the Horseback Safari.

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR OTHERS

For anyone who has suffered the tragedy of a loved one’s death I encourage you to put all your thoughts and emotions down on paper. Everything, the good and the bad. As you write, perhaps you, too, can feel your sadness ease somewhat. It helped me, and maybe it can help you.

SON’S ENDING TRIBUTE TO HIS MOM

And I share the last paragraph Jackie’s son gave as a tribute to his Mom at her Celebration of Life – a quote from Abraham Lincoln which captures Jackie’s life perfectly: And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. 

Diane Holmes is a wife, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother and Iowa author who enjoys writing in her retirement. Her first novel, Two Sisters’ Secret, a historical fiction story about the immigration experience in Iowa and based on Grandma Bernadine’s life, was published and released in May of 2020. Diane works now on another story, a memoir, and just recently started blogging.

Diane was born on a farm in Iowa, attended schools in that area then studied at the American Institute American of Business (AIB) in Des Moines, Iowa. After having roots in the ground for many years, she married Lyell, a career Marine Corps Officer who flew helicopters and fighter jets, and made their home in many states, going from duty station to duty station, They raised two daughters and a son, all of whom they are very proud.

Diane and her husband returned to their roots in Iowa and now live near Des Moines. They enjoy special times with their daughter, son, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, five grandsons and two granddaughters – all living throughout the US. They cherished the time they had with their daughter, an angel looking down on them now from heaven.